on being a mother

i was young, i didn't know what i was doing so i did the
best i could most of the time. i loved them, fed them, bathed
them, disciplined them, laughed with them, cried over them,
hugged them, played with them, read to them, adored them,
grounded them, spanked them, tickled them, rocked them,
sang to them, bought them gifts, told them how special they
were, how much i loved them, how proud of them i was of them,
how disappointed their behavior made me feel.

did i do it right? did i give them roots and wings? do they have
any idea how much they enriched my life? how complete my life
was with them all under one roof with me? do they understand
that the men they are now makes me proud to be their mother?
do they know now how helpless i felt sometimes when confronted
by their fevers and pain now that they all have children of their own?
how frustrated i felt sometimes? do they understand now how hard
it is to raise a human being from infancy to the ages they are now?
how much worry and stress there is involved in being a parent? and more
importantly, do they feel the joy and complete love for their children
that i felt with them?

i can only hope so.

i'm alone now. my sons are hundreds of miles away and i miss them.
i used to know every inch of their tiny bodies, now i have trouble
keeping up with their latest phone numbers and addresses. it's a
strange feeling to be so disconnected from their everyday lives. they
made me a mother, they made me crazy sometimes, they made my
days full and my arms and heart ache. they made me laugh so much!
they made me cry sometimes, too. i wouldn't trade a single day i had
with them. i wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. i would
willingly die for each of them if giving my life would spare theirs. i'd move
heaven and earth to get to them if they needed me.

i love you, Jason, Joshua and Christopher Knapp.