so every once in a while

so every once in a while, i look backwards, like Lot's wife...

but i don't turn to a pillar of salt, i rejoice that this is
the life i have now. it was truly horrible back then. i was
reading old journal entries from 2001, 2002. i was reading
posts from 1998. i survived it all. how did i do that without
destroying myself or going truly insane? the drama! the gnashing
of figurative teeth! it was my world and it was falling in around me,
caving in, burying me alive in emotions i didn't know how to deal
with. i didn't know myself. i had no clue what reality was like until
it dumped itself on my head and crushed me under its heel.

the world has turned two thousand times since then and i am
differently the same.

now i know:

not to believe everything i hear.
that i will get up again no matter how many times i fall.
that the world never stops for you unless it's for an instant while the horror catches up with you.
that you make your own luck with karma.
that you really do matter, no matter how much you think that you don't.
that sometimes life will just suck and will continue to suck until it doesn't suck anymore.
that it will stop sucking. eventually.
that as good as you think you are at anything, there is always someone better, so be humble.

denise