you lose touch

and the distance becomes too great to bridge. old life, 
old values, old feelings. everything old passes away and 
only i am left. on purpose. i know i lose touch on purpose. 
what can i say? their lives are the same, mine is so different 
than it was. i am different than i was. they wouldn't know me 
anymore. 

i can't sleep tonight. maybe because i'm worried about how 
i'm going to work this thing out with my car, maybe it's the 
conversation with g, which i haven't related here. something 
keeping me awake. 

what they don't know, what they can't see
it's being on that road that makes me free
some say i'm running
i know i'm falling...

isn't it funny how a life can change so drastically? how the shape and 
fabric of your life can be so different from what it always was, what you 
thought it would always be? i can see the exact moment my life changed 
and it is such a sad thing. so when patti called tonight, i let the phone 
ring and then listened to the message she left, smiling at the sound of 
her voice, then deleted it. what can i say to her? she expects me to be 
"Denise," someone i haven't been in 4 years. someone i'll never be again. 
good thing? bad? i never know for sure, probably won't ever know for sure.

so life becomes something that seems to be lived by someone else living 
inside your skin, not by you yourself. not by me. i have never felt so alone 
as i have these last 4 years. from a life filled with family and friends to this 
twisted, bitter woman in such a short time. 

or maybe it's just that thing that's keeping me awake tonight that's talking. 
not me. 

denise

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